Relive or Regret
by SpiritOfEowyn
Summary: When 39 year old Katniss Mellark is offered the chance to relive and change a day in her past by Beetee, how can she say no? If it means she can save Peeta, Prim, Finnick and Peeta's family? What will those innocent changes cost when her younger self trades places with her for that day? Time travel.
1. Chapter 1

**Relive or Regret**

by Spirit of Eowyn

Katniss/Peeta time travel Beetee OC usual suspects. Catching Fire and Mockingjay spoilers rated PG. (May go up to a PG-13 eventually)

A/N: Sorry for not having a beta reader. All errors are my own. This starts off 21 years after the War, so that Katniss is a lot happier person and Peeta has rubbed off on her a bit.

**Chapter One:**

Katniss Everdeen regretted many things in her life. They filled her nightmares, and reared their disembodied heads when she thought she could put the past behind her. Unlike most people she could legitimately blame the death and torture of thousands upon her decisions.

Today the Doctors added Peeta's name to that list. Peeta was dying, and far too young. Those voices stole her breath from her.

If only she had... Her fault he was... Why couldn't she have...Traded places with... Realized sooner...

There was nothing they could do.

"Couldn't you just replace his heart." I bargained.

The doctor shrugged. "If it was just, that but in a few months it will be the liver, lymph, nerves, then the, well there is only so much more trauma... Any of these surgeries could easily kill him." The doctor turned to Peeta."I'm sorry." The nurse's eyes judged her.

Her husband tried to put on a brave face but she saw the cracks.

"I'm sorry." I said inadequately.

He shook his head but wouldn't meet her eyes.

39 was far too young.

When they arrived home they found that Beetee had written them a polite letter addressed to the Mellarks, letting them know he would be in 12 in a few days, with some exciting news.

When Beetee arrived, He looked all of his 74 years, thin wire glasses, metal braces attached to his legs, and his thin white hair stuck out like a dandelion seed. She hadn't seen him in over ten years. Really no one had. It was embarrassing, but his letter had surprised her, not because she didn't think he would ever visit, but because she had thought he was probably dead.

"Katniss." He greeted. "I thought you might be interested in my most recent invention, well discovery." and adjusted his glasses, as he hobbled towards their dark green sofa, large briefcase in hand, his assistant behind him.

Peeta offered him iced tea. Once they were settled across from each other , sweet tea in hand, Beetee became very excited.

"So what brings you here?" I asked.

" Well, you know, I've spent the last twenty years trying to reconcile temporal displacement with the Edward Lorenz's butterfly effect taking into account chaos and string theory-"

I glanced at Peeta to see if he followed anything Beetee was saying. He looked just as lost. Luckily his assistant interrupted.

"They're not scientists Bee, you'll have to explain in normal people terms."

Beetee looked offended. " They might have, after all the libraries are open to all with a curious mind now. It's not like-"

The woman who looked to be in her sixties shook her head, and the dark hair of her wig shifted out of place, revealing baldness underneath. She wore a fair amount of makeup with drawn on eyebrows,and was exceptionally pale. Her neck was scarred and the color was patchy. Her ear that was now exposed was twisted and looked like charred meat. Crispy and black. Her arms were covered in bandages and new skin.

"They have a life, children to raise.."She gestured with her right hand that was missing the ring finger to the toys at the far corner of the living room. Their six year old daughter was at school, and their three year old son was napping in his room. Otherwise Beetee would have a curious three year old using him and Binara as a jungle gym and demanding the attention of all the adults in the room.

"I wouldn't want to talk down to them." He objected.

The woman sighed and glanced with amusement at Katniss and that was when she recognized her. The years had not been kind, but this was the mentor of Beetee and Wiress for the Quarter Quell. They had run into each other over the years. The victor the year the Capitol had decided to drop the tributes in the radioactive ruins of one of the old cities. Most had died of radiation, and they hadn't repeated it because what was the fun of watching tributes die with their skills being meaningless and a disfigured victor?

"It's okay." Peeta intervened. " Simple is fine."

"Well,ok." Beetee frowned. His disappointment was comical.

"What he is trying to say is-"

"Let me! It's my discovery!" Beetee scowled at his companion. " Some would say that temporal displacemen-"

"Time travel." Binara translated.

We perked up at that. Seriously?

"Yes, is only possible with a mode of transport, such as a big blue box that appear here and goes then, but forward temporal travel is made impossible by the fact that it is created by the present and past, impossible to predict unless you were Wiress," He paused and gulped, then continued "while the former impossible by Noether's theorem, and the first law of thermodynamics-"

Katniss turned to Binara.

" There is this science law that matter, 'stuff"'can't be created or destroyed only its form changed, so you can't take something from one time period and move it to another creating matter that didn't exist then, so travel via a vehicle is not possible and, um." She turned to Beetee as if trying to remember the rest. "the future isn't set in stone so there is no way to know what would come, and it's easily changed by present actions and is therefore moot. "

I couldn't say that Binara's translation was much better but at least I knew all the words she used.

"Congratulations are in order." Peeta said, although I could tell he wasn't quite sure what for.

"Thank you!" Beetee beamed.

" Yes, Yes, we're brilliant." Binara lifted her glass in cheers.

"We're brilliant? I designed the machinery!" Beetee argued.

"And it was my knowledge of the human body that made it come on, get to the point." Binara huffed.

"Yes, well," Beetee became grave." With," Beetee paused " _our_ discovery we want to make the world better. Save lives. However our method of travel can only work to transfer the mind of a person to another point in their past. So there is no one alive still who lived before the first rebellion, let alone one who could have prevented the games. Since you played a critical role in the revolution that took down Snow, we thought you could make the most difference. You could relive a day in your life and perhaps save thousands of lives."

He didn't say it, but he must of realized how my mistakes had cost those same lives.

"We'd considered Peeta, but that would be more hazardous,as he could end up reliving his torture in the Capitol. We can't control the exact date, so it would only be cruel." Binara said.

Peeta paled at the thought. His episodes were bad enough even now, the very idea of him reliving even one day, of losing him made my hands tremble. No, I wouldn't allow that. I thought I knew what they were implying. It was dangerous, but I could save Peeta from the torture and thus save his life now. I would face anything for that. Anything.

"Thank you for the offer, but my wife and I will have to think about this." Peeta said standing up.

"Of course," Beetee agreed, following suit.

"We'll be in town for the next few days at the Undersee Hotel." Binara called as they left.

As soon as Peeta closed the door, he turned to me furious. "You can't do it."

"Peeta!" I admonished."How can't I? I could save your family, mine, most of twelve. You."

Fear mixed with anger on his face.

"After all I've screwed up I could make it right." I argued.

He turned towards our son Bannick's room. "Or you could die. Leaving our children with no one." Peeta countered.

Using our kids was a low blow. When I was younger I would have believed him when he was trying to hide from me. "You don't think I'll die, so what is your real problem? What are you so afraid of?"

"Don't you like the life we've created together?" He brushed my cheek.

"How is that-"

"Given a chance, wouldn't you choose the one who isn't going to die on you?" He grimaced. "It only makes sense."

I hated that he still had insecure moments after all these years.

"I love _you _Peeta." I insisted.

"I'm not saying you don't. But in the past, given the choice between someone who is going to live a long life and one who can't-"

"It was always going to be you Peeta. Your sickness isn't making me regret choosing you." I wrapped my arms around him and listened to his still beating heart." This just means I might be able to keep you." My voice broke.

This was the first time we had discussed the doctor's news. We had made plans of what needed to be done. Practicalities. We hadn't told the children yet. It was only a matter of time until the news hit the capitol and every other district heard the gossip about one of their favorite war heros. We'd avoided watching the news just in case. I knew once I heard someone glibly comment on it, make a broken heart joke on air, or mention how sad they would be that Peeta who they didn't even really know was dying, that I would destroy our T.V.

Peeta sniffed loudly into my hair.

"Don't you want to stay with me?"

His face told me disdainfully that I knew the answer to that. But he said it anyways. "Always."

"I could change things: make sure they never get to hurt you. No more flashbacks-"

"Would you still have realized you loved me if I had come out of the Quell whole?" He whispered.

I hated that I didn't know. Before that I had taken him for granted. I had been so blind to my feelings as a teenager. Stupid. Oblivious. I'd never felt longing for Gale. Looking back, he had simply been the fair choice. My friend who hunted with me, my confidant wanted a family with me. If I was going to change my mind and marry anyone, shouldn't it be him? I didn't want to hurt him. Loving Peeta had been scarier and complicated.

"I could, write myself a letter saying you were the obvious choice."

Peeta smirked. "obviously."

"Or you know give younger you insider advice on how to break my walls down and seduce me."

Peeta laughed, a real belly laugh. "Be the best damn wingman a boy in love could have."

I poked his sides and grinned. "The most motivated and dedicated wingman for sure."

"Well, with a prize like this." He stood taller and flexed his bicep at me. " Who could blame you?" He ruined the image by exposing his false lower calf.

"Indeed." I smiled, and poked his chest. "Nice try, Mr. Mellark but you're not getting rid of me so easily. I know a superior trade when I see it."

Peeta snapped his fingers as if he had been caught."You always see right through me, Mrs. Mellark." We stood and held each other for a while, considering the possibilities now before us.

Then Bannack cried. Once he realized he was alone our baby boy always did. I hoped it wasn't another wet bed incident. It was Peeta's turn to clean up if it was. He was such a good father.

"So tomorrow?" I ask him.

"Tomorrow, we at least get all the facts. If your life is at risk though-" He warned.

I nodded. We had to try.


	2. Chapter 2

**Relive or Regret**

by Spirit of Eowyn

Katniss/Peeta Beetee OCs

(10 pages) ( Chapter _Warning: _there is _brief_ reference to sex in this chapter. Not enough to change the rating though.)

**Chapter 2**

The next morning, I walked our six year old daughter Andeli to school while Peeta took care of Bannick and started writing down what to say to his family, in the past that would work, since I still wasn't that good with words and Peeta was the best at making plans. If anyone could convince people to do something weird to save their lives without telling them, Peeta could.

Andeli looks like me a lot, which is a blessing because I don't know what I would have done if she had Peeta's blonde hair along with his blue eyes. She would have been too much Prim's double, and my nightmares of harm coming to our children would have that doomed to burn feeling.

Andeli hasn't noticed yet, the stares that the older generation give me, the nods. Nor has she noticed that Everdeen Village is named after my family. But sometime soon the schools will tell her, if not of the War then the reason why Twelve had to be rebuilt. Because mommy shot an arrow, because mommy didn't realize she loved daddy until it was too late. And so over 8,000 people, the vast super-majority of Twelve burned to death because of the Girl on Fire.

I give her a big hug before I let her run off to her friends on the playground.

I arrive home to find Beetee and Binara and even my husband wearing dark glasses and wandering around our living room. Peeta wandered towards the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Just making sure there aren't any new listening devices since last time. You're too popular for us not to check." Binara responded.

" I suggested just using a localized EMP for devices without a hard wired power source, but someone," Beetee glanced at Binara pointedly "thought that was a bad idea."

"Hmph. Well, we're done." Binara said. "Just this little one thats probably been here a few years." She held up a metal square the size of her thumbnail. "Just audio, no visual. I'd put it on the side of your washing machine once we restart it."

I scowled. "Or just get rid of it."

"I understand the sentiment but it's the kind reporters use, not government level. It's better to attach it somewhere where vibrations and background noise will drown it out, than have to always wonder where the new one will be-"

"There won't be another- " I fumed.

" Sorry, but these types are relentless, any time you leave your home they could try to break in. Even if we set up a Prime Level Security system you'd then have to deal with reporters around your home all the time."

I scowled but conceded.

Peeta came back with little Nick in tow, gnawing on some tiny carrots in his chubby hands. He waddled towards me. "Mommy!"

I lifted him up into my arms. He glanced at the strangers and then hid in my chest. "It's okay. Want to go play with your pans again?" I kissed his cheek.

Nick nodded. Off he toddled to the kitchen to play with Peeta's old pans. Soon we could hear the metallic clangs of pans being used as drums.

"So, down to business." Beetee replied as he sat back onto his place on the sofa.

"Is there any danger to the time traveler?" Peeta asked.

"Oh, well, there could be. However we haven't noticed many side effects besides a headache when you return. Both of us have tried it." Beetee's forehead creased.

"So you've both changed the past?" I asked.

"Well, yes, little things comparatively." Binana said.

'And we used a control group each time, and told each other things in the past that we couldn't have known otherwise, as in who would be reaped that year."

"To confirm it wasn't just a realistic dream." Binara looked distracted.

"Yes." Beetee said.

"We wouldn't recommend making a long habit of it, as you are stealing days away from your past. Excessive use could lead to psychological distress and illness." Binara added.

"You have something that sends you into the past- how do you get back? I assume the machine isn't in the past..."

"No, basically your mind gets reset- any REM sleep will reverse it."

"And that is the other thing- it's not yet, an exact science. I can't send you back to a specific day, just one that is linked to the place where you fall asleep. So you must fall asleep in the same place in the past." Beetee explained.

That eliminated any time before the Games. The house in the Seam that I grew up in was long since gone and I couldn't tell you precisely in that area my bed had been.

"Doesn't that mean that I can travel back safely if I were to sleep in my old house." Peeta asked.

"It's not an exact science. We're basing this on what we've experienced."

"In 40% of the temporal displacements we remember the future, that is, this body doesn't sleep the whole day, and we've observed the other walk around and have no memory of current events. And their knowledge matches the destination reached. But is often forgotten as an odd dream the first few times."

"Or in normal terms- We've noticed that often we switch consciousnesses. When our minds go to the past and effect things, that mind with nowhere to go switches places too. However usually thought on awakening to be a vivid dream, and a lost day."

"Seriously?"

"Yes." Beetee said as if he couldn't believe we thought he was joking.

I wondered whatever younger self would make of my dim burn scars, the fact I probably would look ancient to my younger eyes, and the children calling "Mommy!" I almost laughed. What stopped me was what my younger self might think of Peeta. Sickly Peeta. Peeta who I wouldn't blame for having another flashback with a Katniss who was and wasn't his wife. Who might be scared of the children and not claim them as her own, and otherwise react badly.

"It's a chance we should take." I answered despite myself.

Our visitors from 3 nodded seriously. I turned to Peeta. He had on one of his thoughtful looks that said to me 'I'm worried but resigned.'

I took his hand and squeezed.

We were doing this.

It was like a collective sigh had been released.

"We can start as soon as tonight..." Beetee said.

"Yes, the sooner the better." I said. While Peeta is still with me.

We arranged a time in the evening for them to return.

"We'll need to setup, a few hours beforehand, and we could watch your children for a few hours beforehand if you need the time." Binara offered.

"Time for what?" Beetee asked his assistant who shook her head and helped him out the door.

"Yes, thank you." I nodded and lead them out.

I was both excited and terrified to have a time set. I couldn't wait to start this, for Peeta to get much sicker.

We spent the afternoon cuddled up on the couch by the fire. Peeta took down notes while I held our son in my arms as he took his nap. Our little family. Then I bounced Nick on my calfs as he giggled. "Who's mama's favorite boy?"

"Me!" He squealed.

We gave Nick a big roll with cheese and meat for lunch. Peeta handed me the syringe with his medicine. It came pre measured in the individualized needle with no bubbles. He pulled his pants down slightly and I washed the area before injecting him. He was up to 3 times a day, along with pills. He tried to act like he didn't need it, but by medicine time he looked exhausted and I could tell his chest hurt.

We had dinner with the kids when Andeli came home and tried to keep to their normal routine.

When we tucked them in that night, and had finished singing and reading to them, Peeta said.

"Mommy might act a bit weird tomorrow, she's going to take some medicine that might make her ask some silly questions. But don't worry it's just for a day."

"Like you take medicine, daddy?" Andeli asked.

"Similar." I answered because I had no excuse to be taking medicine.

Andeli looked frightened. Oh. no. My little girl was starting to connect Peeta's medicine with how very very sick he was. I wanted to but couldn't say I'm taking medicine so dad won't have to. Otherwise I could see my little ones start trying to take daddy's medicine for him, with disastrous results.

As soon as we closed their door, Peeta started quizzing me on what I could and couldn't change and how to handle his family.

As we came down the stairs I heard the knock on the door. We show the scientists to our room to set up. Beetee gets right to it, Binara nods at us and says "See you in a few."

We wander around Everdeen Square, hand in hand, until we reach a favored grassy hill and gaze up at the stars.  
"I'm scared," I start, and he turns to me with concern. " that I'm going to do something trying to save everyone and end up convincing you I'm not worth the bother."

Peeta laughs.

"I'm serious." I say.

He cups my cheek. " That would be a trick. I tried a few times to stop loving you., accept that you'd never love me back. But even when I thought you might still be a mutt, I still wanted you. It would have been pathetic if we hadn't-" He held up our entwined hands.

"I still don't get it. I was abrasive, stubborn, closed off and didn't ever let my hormones get a say. How could you still have wanted me? What was there in me to want? I wasn't a Glimmer... Did you just get stuck with me at the age of five?"

"Someone is fishing for compliments..." He teases. "We've been married long enough, and I've told you enough times..."

"Still think I won out on the deal."

"Even now?" He asks, and I know he's not teasing anymore.

"Always." I reply."Besides, I plan on cheating and keeping you, Mr Mellark."

He kisses my forehead, but tonight I need more comfort. I cling to him, nuzzle into his neck and breathe deep. This more than anything is what I need to survive. I used to think that that meant I was weak, to need anything. I could continue living without him but to keep from withering on the inside I needed him. Together we were so much stronger than we were without. Alone we had just been two teenagers trying to survive, together we had inspired a nation. It was only when we were apart that I couldn't handle it.

Together.

"Want to head back to my place?" I ask.

I swear his ears perk up. " to start a fire of our own?"

I grin and nod.

He leads us back, play dragging me with him. "Come on. Come on. Someone might see us." He waggled his eyebrows at me.

We decided long ago that my old victor's house had too many ghosts to raise a family in, and besides Peeta's had the better kitchen. So my old home became his art studio and guest house for visitors. When no one was in town, we had come up with our own little euphemism for sex. I had at first felt really weird about having sex at our house with the kids around, and afraid they'd hear us, as I was rather loud, So we'd take an hour after the kids went to bed to go over a few houses over to my old house to be the old lovebirds, naked around the house, because we could.

I have never made love to anyone but Peeta, so I can't say whether Peeta is the best lover ever. But I think he is the best lover of me. Finnick had told me what it was like to be someone's latest conquest, and I can't imagine it for myself. Peeta knows me and what I like and over the years we've gone from fumbling and nervous to comfortable and precise. On other nights, he takes the time to research new and improved methods of loving me. His ego loves it when he succeeds. And we talk. Peeta far more than I do. This time I do more of the work, more of the adoring so his heart doesn't have to work as hard. Last thing I need is him dying here, now, like this. I want him to know how much I love him.

Afterwards he wraps himself around me, and it's like a confirmation of what we are to each other. There is nothing that separates us. Not anymore. For about an hour, I don't think about what could happen tomorrow, or Peeta's declining health. It's blissful.

"Love you." We say to each other.

It can't stay like this, but Peeta calms me down, strengthens me for what I need to do.

I turn in his arms. "Just think, day after tomorrow, no more you won't have anymore flashbacks, no more pain... You won't even be able to remember that you'd ever been hurt."

He frowns. "That would be weird. Good but weird. It's been with me for so long."

"But not anymore." I grin.

"I'm sure I'll still have pain, but..." A slow smile appears on his face.

"All I ask, is that when I come back you're in my bed." I say graciously.

"Our bed." He teases.

When we get back, Binara is on our porch looking at the stars and taking notes. She nods at us.

Peeta goes to help Beetee leaving me with Binara, and her charred skin. In her place I would have changed my injuries instead of whatever else she chose instead. So I'm curious.

"What did you change, Binara?" I asked.

She glances down, folding her arms in front of her and leans against the railing. "I stopped a school friend from killing her daughter because she couldn't stand the idea of her being picked for the games. And for her own selfish reasons. I remember seeing an article on it, a child in my 11 year olds class was found murdered, but the mom was in the Capitol by then and nothing was done. She'd never claimed her as her own. No husband to complain. It had always haunted me. I'd always wanted children but my games made me infertile. That a friend of mine had hurt her own, I always regretted that I hadn't been able to change that. My 'special talent' had been in education and counseling, helping children prepare for the possibility of being drawn for the games. Give those from 3 a chance. "

She'd spent her time helping kids while I was bemoaning my fate. I hoped she never saw 'my' Cinna designed outfits.

"Going back I was able to change her mind to a less fatal choice."

What must it be like to see me with children, which I had not grown up wanting, when she couldn't have her own? If I had been forced to have children with Peeta before the rebellion, when I was so against it, what would I have done when my children reached Reaping age. Would I have gone mad? It's a possibility I'm glad I've never had to face.

"Did you feel better?" I ask.

"Much. I know one life might not seem like much, with all the death we've seen and handed out, but for her it did."

I nodded. But how many could I save?

"Did she survive?" I know I'm probably asking rude questions but I can't help it.

"Not the first time..." Binara's eyes become distant.

Her words sent chills down my spine.

How many times would I have to go back to fix things?

She touched my arm. "Don't get to thinking that you can or must save everyone. With this traveling, you become isolated. Only you remember how it was before, whether it was better or worse. At some point you're going to have to decide what your limit is. What you can stay sane with and what will have to be considered good enough. Decide before you go."

What could she not live without? What stakes were too high? Peeta. Peeta had to live. Peeta had to still love her. She would do most anything to save Prim, and keep Coin from becoming President. Then Peeta's family. She hoped she could save more but that was her goal.

"Thanks."

"If you find yourself in trouble in the past, you can call on Beetee or I. We will remember time travel by the time you're around. Just mention your daughter's name Dandelion, and I'll know you're temporally displaced you." She said as she opened our front door. She was so sickly that she was hard to look at but Binara was kind and motherly too.

I take a deep breath and say. "Yeah, I will."

In the living room I ask. " What was your limit?"

"I had to come to grips with what I couldn't change. I couldn't get myself out of the games I was in,. Wiress was the only tribute I managed to save in all my years of mentoring.. All the rest died. She became like my sister. And I failed her. I gave her advice for the Quell but she just smiled and shook her head. I couldn't give away what I knew, and neither can you. My limit was what was out of my control. You can't force someone to choose differently."

"Couldn't you just have volunteered for her?" I ask. It's not like it looked like she could possibly be enjoying life.

"I wouldn't have lasted a few days, with my constant need for medicine, and we thought that there was a good possibility that both of them could survive if they stuck with..."

Me.

Beetee or I or even Peeta could have saved Wiress if we'd known. But I could see the danger in that. During the Quell I discovered that I couldn't live without Peeta, how important he was to me. If past me wasn't there to learn that, I didn't want to consider what would happen.

I made it up the stairs.

Soon I was in bed and following their instructions. Peeta held my hand and I mouthed  
" Love you." at him. He returned the gesture. Then the instructions on how to breathe, what to think about and focus on, and then I began to feel increasingly disconnected from my body. I made sure the last image I saw was of my loving husband. Peeta was why this was worth the risk.

And I was gone.

A/N: After this the plot starts really getting fun! :D

This is the first fic I've written that contained sex in the plot at all. Bit weird but I don't think the rating needs to be changed because that wasn't graphic at all, right? I also agonized over their daughters name. It had to be good but not silly and as soon as I give her a name, a bunch of you will probably think, "thats not right! It should be..." So you know, Her full name is Dandelion Mellark (because all other names for the flower involve it's diuretic qualities (:Piss a bed" for one, and other unflattering names not to give a child.) Andeli didn't sound bad and Andel means "angel" or "messenger" and deli- for delly the nicest person Katniss and Peeta knew from 12. (besides Peeta) Bannick is a kind of bread. The male name is ofGaelic origin, meaning "unleavened oatbread". I thought at one point of adding P to his name instead of B to be more Peeta,but sound that word out:" Pannick." Not what you name your child after having panic attacks and living in terror. Nick for short.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Katniss's breathing slowed so much that I kept checking her vitals. She was gone to a time of great danger and there was nothing I could do to help her. I brushed her hair out of her face as I sat next to her body on our bed.

"And, beta level reached." Beetee said, looking at the machines attached to my wife. I could feel my shoulders and hands tense up.

"The meds caused premature REM sleep," Binara replied, looking at a screen that I recognized from my extended stays in hospitals over the years.

"Is that-" I begin.

"As expected." Binara said resting her matronly hand on my shoulder.

"Once she reaches gamma we can start disconnecting most of the wires." He said.

"Which should be anywhere from forty five minutes to an hour from now." She said, looking at me in a way that felt like she was looking for the beginning symptoms of an episode. It was irritating. I hadn't had a bad one in years!

Beetle stretched his back and looked at me expectantly. " I could use some tea..."

I clenched my jaw, I wasn't leaving Katniss's side for anything.

"In the kitchen downstairs in the cabinet to the left of the fridge." I gritted out.

"Could you be a dear and get me a cup too? With sugar and cream? I dare say, our friend here might be in need of some hot chocolate." Binara smiled.

Beetee grumbled but went downstairs, leaving me alone with the counselor.

"You're quite the cute couple you know." She began nodding towards Katniss.

"Yeah." I wasn't feeling talkative.

" I know there was a lot of show going on during and after your games, and I understand that you grew an attachment to her early on, but has she ever said when she felt the same? I knew there was at least friendly attachment during the 74th, from my view but-"

I wasn't sure if she really wanted to know or if this was a counseling trick to distract me from my worry.

"It depends if you mean when she started having feelings for me or when she finally knew she had them, which was quite the agonizing gap from my perspective." I watch her breathe to reassure myself she was still with me.

"Mmhmm. She does fit the profile of someone who didn't allow themselves to be emotionally self aware growing up." The old woman said clinically.

I snort. She didn't know the half of it. Katniss would wrap herself around me at night and tell me to stay with her, and plan on saving my life at the expense of her own and still didn't know for sure more than that she generally liked me as a person. But I wasn't going to tell this woman that.

"Yeah, but she didn't even know what loving someone would feel like, how it's different from friendship, and I was her first kiss so she had nothing to compare it to, and she wasn't the kind of girl to moon over guys or spend time with those who did." I had been Something I had found attractive about her, that she wasn't a silly gossip like many merchant and seam girls were.

"She didn't want to love. Classic abandonment and neglect issues." she nodded. "Do you think it would have helped if she had had a way to sort out her feelings? A roadmap?"

I shrugged. "probably."

"Hmm, you know, I had thought about writing a book called 'Deducing and Classifying Emotional Response via the scientific method.' With an insert on the added complications of being a victor to help clueless scientists and others who often ignore their emotions in the name of logic and science... A serious problem for 3 back then, the best and brightest often didn't reproduce or paired off without thought to their own emotions." She took out a small screen and started scribbling on it.

I stared at her for a moment trying to translate her words. I had heard most of the terms before but not together like that. I think the jist was a book on understanding emotions.

"Yeah."

"Hmm, maybe I will go back and write that book and see if I could give it to her during a time it would be helpful. If nothing else it would have helped my students, and Bee."

I didn't think she was even still talking to me anymore. I had assumed that she was the more normal of the pair but maybe she just hid it a bit better.

Beetee came back with a tray of rolls, butter and hot tea on a tray, with a mug of cocoa for me.

It was only then I realized I hadn't been worrying about my wife for a good 15 minutes.

" Nice mural." Beetee said gesturing at the walls.

For better or for worse, all I could do now, was wait.

/

I woke up with a start, heart beating fast, feeling disoriented even though I was still in my own bedroom. Well, sort of. I immediately noticed the beige undecorated walls, which only added to my anxious energy. It had worked. I rubbed my eyes to make sure of, I don't know, but it was all still there. I bounded to the window and my knees didn't ache at all . I could see a clear cool day, with bright autumn leaves hanging from the tree outside. Fall. What does that mean? What am I supposed to do? I spun around and caught my face in a mirror. Man I had been young. Focus. Focus, Everdeen! I had to do something next, remember, something...CLOSET!

I ran to the closet to confirm where I thought I was. Well, when. Peeta had suggested that my closet would be the easiest indicator of when I had ended up. If she had the Victory Tour dresses than it was after that. If there were wedding dresses it would be that week. If she couldn't walk to it , it was that time she injured her leg to get over the electrified fence. If there were packages of Capital Shampoo it was after the photo shoot. My stylists had come prepared to wipe away any excuses I could have for not taking care of my 'look'. Process of elimination.

No Victory tour dresses. So it was the fall after the 74th games, not after the war. Not the best time for Peeta's letter idea but what the hell. I found some stationary and began writing the letter Peeta had had me memorize before I forgot it. Remembering yesterday was like searching through mud for katniss roots. It took some time even when you knew where they were. I would need to put i the letter in an envelope for herself to give to them after the wedding dress was chosen.

Basically, but not exactly, it read;

_Dear Mellark Family,_

_Please join my family to watch the Quarter Quell since I plan on dying to save your son's life and they'll need to know that it was my choice when it happens. Lay on the heavy guilt._

_Regards,_

_Katniss Everdeen,_ the girl who keeps breaking your son's heart but plans to make it up to him. In fact I really wish I could let you know that I'm going to give you grandkids but I don't know that yet. But if I could I would tell you how amazing Peeta is, despite how horrible you, his mother are.

The purpose and reasoning behind it was If they had watched the games at her house they would survive the fire as the victors village still stood and Gale would lead them to safety too.

The letter could wait up here for later. There was just so much to do. I had all this energy I just had to use. I made quick work of washing my face, admiring the lack of burn marks and wrinkles. I knew I was pretty at 39, decades of being adored and told so by Peeta had sunk in, but looking at me now how could I have ever not appreciated this body? No aching knees, or burn caused sensitive skin... I was broken off from contemplating my face by women's voices coming from downstairs. Prim! Down I went with nimble light feet, much like a Capitol child on Christmas morning.

Prim was eating breakfast at the table, probably before school. Blissfully alive. I hugged her from behind. "Prim!"

"Someone is in a good mood." My mother said with a small smile.

Yes, well. She wasn't that surly teenager anymore and no one was trying to kill her or the people she cared about which went a long ways. Crap, how bad was I 20 odd years ago?

Prim got up. "I'm glad. You don't smile enough."

I kissed her forehead. She hugged me briefly then headed for the door.

"Off to school?" I ask.

"Some of us still have to go." She stuck her tongue out at me and shut the door. I couldn't contain my huge grin.

My mom smiled at me. Should I stop smiling? Would that be less suspicious? Act like a teen Katniss, I told myself, although I'd never really acted like one even when I had been one.

I heard a knock at the front door and rushed to answer it, sliding a little on the wood floor with my socked feet.

It wasn't until I'd opened the door that I realized with the cool breeze that I was only wearing a tank top and the sleep pants cinna had given me. Brr!

To my delight it was my husband looking so young and... Hot. Wow. His eyes were completely clear of venom or grief. I had to keep him that way. He was carrying a bag with bread in it, from the smell.

"Katniss?" He looked really awkward and his tone was formal not to mention he kept glancing away from me.

"Come in, come in!" I said.

I took a deep breath of the yeasty goodness making my stomach grumbled audibly. Mmn. On top of the basket were Cheese buns, my favorite. I grabbed a few and started eating them, waving him in. "You'd think I'd get tired of these, but they're so good!" I breathed.

"Thanks." Peeta looked like I'd handed him a snare, and he had no idea what to do with it,especially in my house. Oh. Right. I'd been more cagey and quiet back in the day, and we were barely on speaking terms. I had been married to the king of words, but I didn't know how to apologize for being nice to him because it was freaking him out. I don't know if my peeta could have done much better.

" I slept all night without any nightmares," I say as my only probable explanation.

He nodded.

I had to curtail my 'I'm going to save everybody and make it right' enthusiasm if I was going to accomplish my goals.

Peeta pulled more bread out of his bag and put it on the table. He looked wary of me, like I was going to hurt him,again.

"How are you?" I asked.

"Fine." I could tell he was holding back, protective.

I made sure to meet his eyes. "I was wondering if perhaps you'd like to go on a picnic with me today."

I saw his eyes light up for a moment before suspicion and wariness darkened them. He was going to decline because he was scared. Damn he couldn't do that. I felt a little bad, but I pulled out my big guns, the face that I had learned over the years that Peeta couldn't say no to.

I touched his arm in the right spot, leaned in, did the ' I need you' face as if I was going to start crying soon and said with longing "Please Peeta..."

I saw his eyes widen as he was surely not aware of this face nor its powers over him. He grimaced and sighed, looking slightly ashamed that he was giving in. "Alright."

"Thank you." I said squeezing his arm. " I really want to get to know you, and I feel like we don't know that much about each other,for instance I don't even know what your favorite food is." We'll I do, but I didn't.

I watched him think. "Yours is.. Cheese buns?" He said uncertainly.

"Yeah, and lamb with plums..."

That brought a wistful smile to his face. Both foods were new to me, and connected to my boy with the bread.

"Okay." He says more confidently.

"Meet me back here in a half hour, with some bread and your sketchbook."

He seemed startled. Oh, right.

"Haymitch told me about your talent." I cover.

He nods, and I smile at him before he leaves.

"I'm glad you seem to be getting along better with our nearest neighbor." My mom comments, tea in hand.

"Yeah." I say and head upstairs to get ready. I choose a more form fitting orange shirt to go with my trousers for Peeta's sake.

As I'm putting the last of my hurried picnic food together, I notice some chocolate on the counter and put it in my bag for good measure.

Peeta knocks, which is weird for me. I'm about to say you live here too you silly, but think better of it, and meet him on the porch. He's dressed in a nicer shirt and shaved since I saw him last.

After several stiff attempts at conversation, Peeta started a game where we both ask each other questions that we must be willing to answer ourselves. We start with the mundane, favorite color, foods, seasons etc. Mine is spring, his is fall. We move on to some mutual experiences. We steer clear of the games or any tribute, but we exchange stories the most bizarre Capitol citizens we had seen as we pass into the Seam.

"Did you see the man who looked like wanted to be a deer?" He gestures with his arms above his head miming the rack that had been attached to the mans head.

I shake my head and smile, until Peeta's face turns serious. He's looking at something to my right. I turn. There is a barefoot child with sunken eyes. Peeta passes me with a large nutty roll in his hand that he holds out to the child. An older seam child would have refused, but this one was too young and too far gone to care.

And we move on.

I take the opportunity to put my hand on his cheesy as a stop to listen at the fence. Once we're through he asks " So, where are we going?"

"Somewhere I haven't taken anyone else." I say mysteriously, before taking his hand. Well, not yet anyways.

We have been hiking for fifteen minutes when I notice how unsteady he is on his new leg still. I couldn't hurt his bruised ego, so I pick up two walking sticks and hand him one. " Its treacherous among these rocks and bushes." I lie.

He's a bit better after that. When we are minutes from the lake I say. "Close your eyes." I say.

He looks at me suspiciously. I cover his eyes with one of my hands and carefully lead him with the other.

"Okay, you can open them now." I whisper next to his ear.

He does and his eyes widen as be takes it all in. He steps closer to the water and breathes. "It's beautiful."

The orange, red, purple, yellow and rare green leafed trees have dropped some of their leaves and others floated in a gusty autumn wind.

"Worth the walk?"

He nods. "How did you even find this place." There is wonder in his voice.

"My dad used to take me here to fish, and to swim like one. "

He turns to me with a smile. "Thank you."

I shrug.

"Come on, " I take his hand and bring him near the roofless cabin where there is a grassy area and a tiny sandy beach as it were.

He sits down and brings out his sketchbook. I grin. Right after his pencil comes out, I take my shoes and socks off,and start shimmying off my pants which are currently at his eye level. He gapes up at me. I take my shirt off too,just for the effect it will have on his teen-aged brain. His breathing quickens and he says my name like a question. I walk backwards onto the sand, and raise an impatient brow at him. " aren't you going to take your clothes off too?" As if I still have no idea the effect I have on him.

His sketchbook goes down, and he stands up. I touch his shirt where the sweat is showing.

" I know it's cold, but it will feel good to wash off all that sweat." I say matter of factly, and dash for the water. Once I come up I try floating on my back as its only tolerably warm in the first foot.

He has passed the stage of shock and has started taking his clothes off with the rapidity of a teen-aged boy alone with a pretty girl. Soon enough he has waded in to his knees and curses.

"It's freezing!" He hisses. I come join him.

"that's why we don't stay in." I say. Although I am disappointed that is too cold to teach him any kind of swimming.

We make it back to shore and I lay on the grass to dry out, before redressing. Peeta starts sketching the lake.

"When it's warm we should do this again, but with more swimming." I say offhand. He just nods.

Eventually we eat our lunch of sandwiches, and spiced apple tarts. When we are done Peeta gets serious again.

"What changed? Yesterday you avoided me and today you're ," he gestured at me where i can recently been less dressed with a smile twitching at the edge of his lips. " taking me with you to your forest."

Tomorrow, I would probably warm up to him because he was being nice to me, but I wouldn't be this warm. I didn't want to give him emotional whiplash, so I was careful in how I phrased my words. But this, honest with him about where I was emotionally was a major reason for this picnic.

"I never wanted us to ignore each other, Peeta. I want to be friends. I just," I sigh. " I have to, I'm responsible for Prim, have been since my father died and...my mother bailed on us, couldn't be bothered to get out of bed to cook, work, nothing. If I hadn't of started hunting we would have died and my mother didn't care. And you know why? Because she was in love and that made her weak and, and I can never afford the kind of love that makes you forget those who depend on you. I loved my dad but that didn't make me weak. I cried and missed him, but did what I had to. I, everyone in the seam knows that about me. It's not you, Peeta, I just can't."

"Everyone in the seam, does Gale know?" Peeta asked feigning indifference.

"Yes! But no, he had to go kiss me for the first time and ruin our friendship and say things, thinking I can now that I'm a victor. But I can't. He's my oldest friend, so I mean if I was going to, I mean I see it would be fair to marry him, but ugh." I put my hand over my face. " I can't even imagine letting him kiss me again," I make a grossed out face for Peeta's benefit." but I um...liked kissing you, but how would I even know what that means? Maybe if I let him try it again I'd like it. But none of that should matter because I just can't love anyone in the first place."

"You shouldn't kiss someone if you don't want to." Peeta advised.

"Do you remember when we kissed in the cave after the feast?"

"Yeah." He answered expectantly.

"I really liked that one, that was all me, I was very disappointed when you stopped." I glance at him, fidgeting with some grass, and try to blush.

He leans towards me. "Really?"

I nodd.

You can see the wheels turning in his head, probably trying to pinpoint how that kiss was different and how he could replicate it so I'd want to kiss him more often. Oh, I was a great wing women. What other covert wing women tips could I give.

"When your name was called for the reaping I was upset because I didn't want you to die. I thought the whole love thing was just a trick to try to kill me. I tried to not get close because I thought it wouldn't hurt so bad if you did die. I just did what I thought would get us sponsors and save your life.

"I understand that now. Thanks for that by the way. I just don't understand why it's usually like pulling teeth to get you to really talk to me."

"It's hard to open up to you about how I feel because there is so much pressure to pretend to be in the kind of love I have no experience with. And you say these things That make me feel guilty, or "

"Guilty?" He asked.

"You come on a bit strong and I feel guilty that I can't feel that way, or as if we're both at a stage that I'm not." I frown at the grass.

"Oh." He seemed to consider my words. "I could try...to be friends, I mean It would be less painful than where we are now."

" I think I would like that. I think if we could just get to know each other better like real people that I wouldn't freak out." I say as if this wasn't my plan all along.

He smiled back at me. "I can do that."

I packed up my bag and stood up. When I looked at the sky and could tell by the position of the sun that school would get out soon.

"We'd better head back, I have to be home for Prim." I say. He agrees. We headed back towards town, more in tune than we had been hiking up.

I admire his form in a less than subtle manner.

"Is it normal for friends to really miss each other to the point of longing and think the other is really attractive?" I say in my emotionally clueless voice right next to his ear.

Peeta trips.

A/N: most of these time travel trips will be in chronological order, for the express reason that it will be easier to read and keep track of. Also I wrote most of this on an iPad which made for some weird autocorrects. It will be clear as you read this that I don't have a beta reader, if you'd like to fix that, please let me know!

Most chapters will cover the whole time travel trip but this was getting long and I haven't posted this year. Thank you for the people who took the poll! Deciding which of the time frames to start her visits took the most time, embarrassingly enough.


	4. Chapter 4

** Relive or Regret :chapter 4**

**by Spirit of Eowyn.**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the rights to the Hunger Games. I didn't write them like Suzanne Collins or else I would be publishing this and it wouldn't be fanfic.

**A/n:** when I read the last chapter to my husband he thought there was skinny dipping involved. There wasn't, otherwise Peeta would have had eyes completely glued to her and the lets be friends talk would just be cruel. I've been writing a lot. I had planned to finish the day in this chapter but there was so much going on and I'm at 10 pages!

"Are you okay?" I ask, reaching out a hand to help him up.

"No." Peeta answers. " I mean, I'm not injured," he brushed off his pants, rejecting my hand and frowning at the ground. "But no, that's not the norm, but I can't help it okay? I've tried-"

Oh. I hadn't considered how low his self esteem was right now. Damn. Even when I was trying to say something nice to him, I failed. I grabbed his hand and interrupted him.

"Peeta. I'm not. I would never try to embarrass you. I wasn't talking about you. No, I mean I was talking about you, but I mean,"

He looked at me and I could feel his hand tremble in mine along with his lips. He thought i was going to reject him again. I couldn't stand it anymore. I kissed him quickly, barely a meeting of lips.

" I meant I missed you. I told you I'm horrible with words."

"You missed me." He said as if it was a foreign concept.

"Yes. I like spending time with you when it's not completely awkward." Like it is now.

I saw his shoulders straighten and the beginnings of a smirk appeared but his tone was still uncertain. "And you think I'm handsome."

"I'm not blind." I bump into his shoulders.

He bumped my shoulder back. Okay, we were okay now.

A smile returned to his face. "Clearly. I've seen you shoot." He teased. "Katniss Everdeen finds me attractive. Hmm."

"Hey," I cover his mouth with my hand. " Shh.. Or the entire district will hear you and my reputation will be ruined." I teased right back.

"Oh yes, that would be horrible." He rolled his eyes.

We pass the fence and the meadow in a similar flirtatious manner.

"You've shown me your woods, I could show you how to make your own cheese buns..."

I look horrified. "You're going to leave me to the mercies of my own baking skills?"

He laughed." No, I wouldn't do that. I just thought it would be something else normal we could do. I don't really see you as the type to want to just hang out doing nothing or shopping."

"Yeah, no," That's a merchant thing, excluding Madge. "We could do that."

He smiled.

"Tomorrow maybe? You'll have to remind me though." Since tomorrow I'll have no clue what you're talking about and no memory of this place.

By now we were in the middle of the Seam. So I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was when I saw Gale, and with nothing better to do, waved. We were friends still, right? He frowned at me and jogs to catch up. The first thing I notice is that Gale is handsome, although I'd always known that if not from the visual evidence then from all the talk of the girls at school. Okay, stop noticing that Katniss! It's been years since I have seen him in person and it's a bit weird for me how friendly he is acting. He doesn't look at all awkward at seeing me. He hasn't killed anyone yet and I haven't chosen Peeta over him. He doesn't look like a military leader, just some kid in sooty clothing. I'm mostly trying to wrap my head about how different he is too. Maybe if District 12 hadn't of been bombed he wouldn't of been as ruthless as he'd become.

Peeta scoots closer to me so we are practically touching. Oh, maybe Gale hadn't been frowning at me. I had hoped to avoid a macho pissing contest but I forgot I was dealing with two teenaged boys and the girl between them.

"Hey." Gale said looking down at Peeta but addressing me. He gives me a huge prolonged hug and goes so far as to lift me off the ground. And then he does that weird thing guys do. He smells my hair. I just came from the woods and I'm probably sweaty and gross but somehow I'm supposed to be cool with that? I don't see what they get out of it, except maybe a sweaty nose. The only hair I've smelled was my kids either because they smelled like baby or to see if it needs washing.

" I thought you'd still be at work." I say pulling away. He smells like soot.

"Took the early shift Catnip." Gale said, pulling me into his side. I'm not sure if he's doing so because he wants to and we were at the point where this was okay, or for his competition.

"Oh. How's the family?" I say.

"Posy is still feeling sick." Posy was sick? I couldn't tell you when that had been. Decades and life and death experiences had made memories of little things like temporary illness of a friends sister fade.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll send my mother over when I get home."

At this point Gale is pretending Peeta no longer exists. "You should come see her, she's been asking about you." Gale said and pulled on my braid.

Peeta clears his throat, and looks pointedly at me.

"Oh, Gale, this is Peeta, Peeta, Gale." I say as if I think it's at all possible that they don't already know each other from school or in their sizing up the competition. My husband Peeta had told me that guys have an innate sense of who else is interested in a girl long before the girl is aware. Normal girls that is, so years before I would get even a vague clue. For all I knew they had been having this contest for years already.

I break free of Gale and stand between them in neutral ground. I like you both, and I'm not allowed to choose yet so calm down.

Gale pretends that he's just noticed Peeta's existence and he's a turkey. Prey. Peeta pretends polite interest.

They shake hands and I see white knuckles and forced smiles.

"We don't want to make Prim wait." Peeta said to me casually.

"Yeah, I'll stop by later." I said to Gale apologetically. Well, I think I at least sound that way.

Conversation is stifled a bit by our meeting, but Peeta goes to great efforts to get me to laugh. Again, for me, or for the appearance of my laughter. At my point in life it doesn't really matter but they don't know that.

"I've always wondered what it would be like to have a younger sister." Peeta says. "Do sisters shove each other as a sign of affection?"

I laugh. "No," I shrug because I've never had brothers or any siblings besides Prim. "You look out for each other, and braid each others hair and share secrets." I leave out that I braided her hair mostly because my mother had checked out and someone had to when you have to heat your own water to have what I would now lightly term a bath. I let her braid mine because it was practical and it was something she liked that I could afford to give her. She had told me her secrets and I had acted like everything was okay so she wouldn't worry.

He pulls on his hair, which is longer than usual and is brushing his ears. "Can't braid this."

" I could try." I tease.

"No, that's quite alright. I have a reputation to maintain." He warded me off but still smiled.

"What is it like to have brothers?" I ask as we pass into town.

"Fun most of the time, pulling pranks on each other and they showed me some moves."

"Moves?" I had to ask.

He looks caught or worried I would misread his words. "Wrestling moves."

Uh huh. Sure, I know all your moves by now Peeta and most of them can't be taught. I admire his backside, covertly. If he wasn't such a good person his words could have romanced his way into about any girls heart. Instead he chose the hardest one to convince in the district.

I notice Mrs. Mellark in front of the grocers. She glares at me as if I'm the Seam trash she imagines. I grab Peeta's hand. That's victor to you, you child abusing witch. How anyone could ever hurt their own child, let alone Peeta... I used to hate her, but with children of my own now my animosity towards her has increased exponentially. If anyone so much as slapped my child they would find themselves on the unfriendly end of a arrow. I glare right back, and do my best snobbish Effie 'you're beneath me' impression.

"Katniss." Peeta said, nodding at his mother and squeezing my hand.

I blink up at him, trying to cool my fuming. "I swear if she still hurts you, I'm going to give her a piece of my mind. Mother or no."

I see his jaw clench and swallow hard and it's clear he'd rather talk about most anything else. "She doesn't."

"Good." I bite out.

"You noticed?"

I didn't want to say that half the school noticed, including anyone who had ever seen his brothers. " I saw her hit you for saving my life."

He swallowed. "It was worth it. You were worth it. You were always worth it." He gets this hopelessly in love with you look on his face, and as much as I like it, I have to say something for his future benefit. I like it, but tomorrow's Katniss will feel guilty and freak out at that look.

"I agree that it was for my family, but you're coming on strong again," I chide as gently as possible.

He steps back. "Sorry."

"It's okay." I say. " I just never know what to say when you say stuff like that. I'm not good at words, and it reminds me just how much I owe you."

He looked a bit offended. "Owe, you don't owe me anything."

I sigh. Good thing he's getting this explanation from me, and not me me. " It's not that I think you're going to try and collect someday. In the Seam, no one not family would do something like that and we don't like to owe anyone anything. We may be poor and starving but we have our honor. It's all most of us have."

"I've heard that but-" He argues.

"No buts. Reminding me of owing you is only going to make me feel guilty for not making it up to you before, or at least having the guts to say thank you." I shake my head. "And when I feel guilty-"

" You clam up. Okay. Okay." He concedes.

I can tell that school has already let out because of all the young children in the road, so we head straight to the victors village. We pass through Main Street where the bakery is. The old town. I remember it looking nicer than this, but compared to what it is now it is barely held together with paint and nails. The merchants we pass are thinner than the poorest people living in twelve now. I can't believe that I had once thought them well fed. I have to lighten the mood so once the village is in sight, I reach into my bag and pull out the chocolate bar I had put in it this morning. I show it to Peeta.

"Whoever reaches my house first gets the first bite. Ready, set go."

He grins and we take off. I'm pretty fast but Peeta seems motivated. I reach the porch first but he tags the porch post seconds later as I pull out the bar and take the first bite with a big over exaggerated sound of pleasure at the taste.

He pounces grabbing me around the waist, I squeal. I break free and try to keep it out of his reach until he tries a new tactic. Instead of reaching for the bar that is behind my back, he just looks at me like I'm the whole world to him, inching closer until I have to fight habit to close the distance between us. Inches is all that separates us. I haven't gone this long without his kisses in the last twenty years. I bite my lip to keep my distance and try to keep from looking at his deep blue eyes. So clear, it makes my heart ache. He brushes my hair behind my ear and my eyes flutter almost closed. He grins mischievously at me and I know he must know I wanted to kiss him, that or-

He backs away from me and takes a big bite of chocolate. "Mmm. Mmm. This is good."

He was distracting me. Damn. He still is. What would a chocolate flavored kiss with a teenaged clearheaded Peeta be like? "No fair using your wiles, Mr. Mellark."

I am rewarded with one of his smiles that reach his eyes then Peeta looks behind me. I hear the door open.

"Hey, Prim," he says as I turn around. "want some chocolate?" he breaks off a piece for himself and hands her the rest.

"Thanks!" She says eagerly. Prim has gotten a taste for chocolate too.

I should probably go inside. Peeta waves as he steps off our porch.

I can barely stand it. "Hey, wait!" I call after him. "Do you want to have dinner with us?"

"What are you having?" He asks.

I have no idea. I shrug. "Probably stew."

"Okay." He smiles back. " I'lI bring dessert." I swear he is close to skipping.

"And cheese buns!" I answer.

He laughs. "Not sick of them yet?"

"Of your buns? Never." I reply.

His eyes widen and I'm sure he thinks my wording is an accident.

"Peeta's nice." Prim says, playing with her new blue hair ribbons.

"You're just saying that because he keeps bribing you with sweets." I say.

She grins, my little sister. I can't help it, I give her a big hug, and pull her into the house.

"How was school?" I ask.

She tells me about her friends and classes and something weird Rory did, and I listen. Every now and then she pauses to nibble on the chocolate. She never said so but I know it's become her favorite food. Without the games she would never of had the oppourtunity to discover that. She tells me how she aced her science and math tests. Prim was always very smart. While we talk on the couch, Buttercup comes to sprawl across her lap. Buttercup died over ten years ago we buried him the back yard, but here he was fat and happy. Today was a bit like visiting everything I had lost, as if it had just been preserved in a jar. District 12 as it was, all these people still alive. Gale not utterly ruthless, Peeta unharmed, whole. Prim alive.

I feel like I should say something important to Prim with this chance. Apologize for letting her down in the future. Thank her for helping me keep it together after fathers death when I couldn't confide to my mother my grief. For understanding. For being my little sister and reminding me that not everyone is selfish and uncaring. I want to tell her to never go to the Capitol, never trust Coin. But it wouldn't make sense to her now. I could never tell her to stop helping people who are ill or hurt, it's part of who she is. I wish I was good with words and could somehow persuade her to stay away from all danger or express my gratitude. But the words don't come yet, so I just listen to her and smile and hope that is enough for now.

I don't deserve to see her again like this, I think. Guilt chokes me and I fight the fat tears welling up.

"Are you alright?" My sister asks concerned. I'm not one for tears.

"No, I just." My voice betrays me. " I'm so proud of you."

She doesn't look convinced. I don't blame her.

"Did Peeta hurt you feelings?" She asks.

"No." I say with confidence. No, that's always me.

"Gale?" She asks. I had told her about how awkward things had been between us since the games.

"Not really. I just. I've just been thinking how much things have changed recently when I passed our home, and I was thinking what dad would have thought of us in this house, eating whatever we want, as much as we want without working in the mines." I lie, although I have in the past.

She looks older when she answers. " I think he would have been proud."

"I hope so. Even though it came at such a cost? I feel like I'm stealing it from Rue. From a lot of other kids who deserved a good life after everything..."

"I liked Rue." Prim whispers. "She seemed really nice."

"She was." I say. Look at me? Here I was trying to show my appreciation for my sister and make her happy and all I've done is made her sad. "Nevermind that. How about you and I go to town and I buy you whatever you want."

Her eyes go wide. "My birthdays not for months!"

"Do I need an excuse to dote on my one and only sister ?" I ask, standing up.

I can tell she thinks I'm being wildly extravagant, but I don't care. This is something I can give her now.

"Mom, we are heading to town. Need anything?" Prim asks my mom in the kitchen.

"Nothing I can think of at the moment. Dinner will be done in an hour." She answers and it looks like she's making some kind of roast with vegetables.

"Okay." Prim says.

Oh, right. " I invited Peeta over for dinner, he's bringing dessert and rolls, is that okay?"

I haven't had to ask permission for anything for a long time and even then with my mom it was usually asking forgiveness instead.

"Yeah. I think it's sad that he lives all alone, he's invited any time you ask." My mom says.

I thank her.

We stop by Peeta's house on our way out, and I knock on his door, which is weird for me.

He looks surprised to see us so soon. "Dinner should be ready in an hour, looks like a roast instead,is that okay?"

"Yeah." He says, paint in his hair and a long apron on.

"We're heading to town, do you want to come?" Prim asks.

"Um, I was working on a painting," He looks torn, and glances at me for permission. Maybe he thinks he would be overstaying his welcome since we have gone from ignoring each other for months to spending most of the day together.

I smile at him as an answer.

"But, sure. Let me just take this off," He gestures at his apron, going back inside and comes back with wet hair and the apron gone.

So we all make the short walk to town.

"So where to first?" I ask.

" I can get anything?" She confirmed.

"Yeah," I answered readily.

"The general store," Which carried clothes, soaps and everything non food that the grocer didnt carry, since a clothing store couldn't provide for a family with how rarely new clothes were purchased. Prim blushed and looked between Peeta and I. " for lipstick."

I turned her around to face me. "You're only 13, who would you be wearing it for?"

She blushes and turns to a cheerful Peeta who was covering his mouth to keep from getting in trouble. "No one." She stutters out. " You know girls, normal girls wear makeup. You wore it on TV even!"

"Who." I grit out. Prim was much girlier than I ever was but makeup for its sake had never been her thing. Well, obviously that I had known of. I had never seen her try on mother's makeup.

"Rory, right?" Peeta says when Prim looks desperate. She nods, turning pink.

I turn to him in disbelief.

He shrugged. "I noticed."

I gaped. Part of me wanted to tell her she was too young for any kind of romance, but then how much could it hurt if she died at 14? No, no she wasn't going to die, I just hadn't figured out how to save her yet.

"You know you're too young to be," not in love, can't say that. Prim would be pissed and Peeta could point out that he fell in love at five or Prim could point that out and things would get super awkward.

She looked at me expectantly. " to, to be wearing makeup. If a guy really likes you then he'll like you without it."

I tried not to be insulted when she didn't just take my advice, and turned to Peeta for his view.

"It's true. If he's worth your time, and really likes you, he'd love you even if you were covered in mud, blood, hadn't washed in days, and scowled at him." Peeta used a serious voice but I couldn't help feeling like I was the butt of a joke.

"Awwww." Prim seemed to be eating this up. That was Peeta, able to make being smelly, nearly dying, and cross into something romantic. "That's so sweeeeet."

He winked at her. "Don't settle for less."

"I don't know if its love yet, but all the boys look at Amelia Cobbler and she wears bright red lipstick and I just, I want to be noticed." She pushed her blonde hair behind her ear shyly.

"How about a new outfit?" I compromise.

"Okay." She says.

I want to say any outfit she wants but I'm kinda worried what she might pick out now that it seems she's not as oblivious to boys at 13 as I was at 17.

"We should find you something blue to match your eyes." Peeta suggested once we were inside the shop.

She tries on a few outfits, one of which is way too short and showing way too much skin. Nice try. Peeta is quick to say that it's unflattering. Once Prim is back in the dressing room he whispers to me with some horror, "I would never want my little sister to wear something like that."

"Thanks." I whisper back. He nods.

We eventually settle on practical dark brown pants and a loose plum blouse, with boots. She looks more teenager and less little girl. She even braids her hair in one braid over her shoulder when I realize it, she's trying to look like me. Does she think I'm the pretty one? That looking like me will make her popular with guys? Well, okay. Probably the two most attractive guys in the whole district are vying for my affections but I can't imagine anyone wanting to trade places with me.

" I need to find a feather." She says looking at herself critically in the mirror.

"How about about this?" Peeta asks, holding up a copper coated feather pendant on a simple brass chain.

Her eyes light up. "Perfect!"

I give her the money to go buy her gifts herself and Peeta stays at my side.

"I used to copy my oldest brother Rye, joined the wrestling team because I thought it would make him respect me." Peeta comments with amusement.

" I just never thought she wanted to be like me. She's so gentle, she cried when she sees injured animals. She could never hunt." I shake my head.

"Lots of girls probably want to be like you, you pulled off the impossible," he bumps into me." And well, you get to be seen with me." He puffs out his chest in a familiar way.

"True. Had to save your life to get that privilege."

He frowns, so I add. "You know, after you saved my life a bunch."

He just nods and heads over to Prim. 39 and still an ego killer Everdeen. I wince. Gah, why did I think decades would make me better at this?

We head back to the victors village and I don't know if I've actually helped anyone yet. Its starting to get dark and I don't have that much time left. It's frustrating. I just want to be able to say.' Hey you, don't ever go to the Capitol cause I said so, so do it! And don't volunteer for the quell, or at least follow Beetee to the tree and stay there like a good love of my life. For the sake of my sanity and yours. Okay? Fixed.' But I can't. One they'd think I was crazy, two you can't force people to do things three Snow can never suspect time travel so I must be careful.

"Sunset's pretty." Prim says, to break up this awkward silence no doubt. Peeta agrees.

I look up and it's this brilliant orange and pink.

Even if I write myself a letter, would I even believe what I wrote? I was so suspicious and distrustful back, now. If I can't even change my own damn mind...

My time to change things is running out.


End file.
